When Your Ass Gets Passed by Da Bomb
November 30, 2021
Hey homies, just got back from visiting my cousins in Philly for Thanksgiving! That’s right, four days of games, movies, football, and all the farro and vegan sausage your boi could eat! My moms even said I could have three grams of sugar a day for the special occasion. I felt just like a pilgrim, yo!
So after dinner on Friday my uncle was all like, “Hey who wants to run a shirtless He-man Half Mile around the block?” He’s always saying whack shit like, “You should turn yourself in if you run over someone with your car” and “Jesus existed” so I was like, “Whatevs, Uncle Fruitcake.”
But then my two cousins were like, “Yo, let’s do it!” and you know Da Bomb wasn’t gonna let those two She-ra’s out He-man him.
But Philadelphia is like in the Arctic or the ice caps or something, so when that hella cold wind hit our skin, my cousins were like, “Bomb, we’re not gonna make it! Please help us!” But all I heard was “Bomb w—” cos I was running faster than the speed of sound and I left their frozen asses in the dust!
The whackest thing of all is my cousin Lex—who thinks he’s like Speedy Gonzalez or something—thought he actually beat me to the finish line! He had no idea that I was actually on my third lap when he was finishing his first, yo! I was flying so fast they never even saw me pass them all, twice!
Don’t tell them though, homies. Da Bomb gots to keep his Bombness on the down low with them cause they get all jealous and insecure and stuff.